Monday, 19 January 2015

My Embarrassing Old Facebook Posts

I joined Facebook in February 2011, when I was six months shy of 13. What an awful idea. I'm going to start in late 2011 and go down the rabbit hole, watching as things get progressively worse. 

I just constantly shared things from Wattpad (I was writing an 8th Year Dramione story). Note to self: "I only have 3 fans" is not something you publicise. Maintain the illusion!

15th October 2011 (age 13) - "O. M. F. G.... WHAT. IS. WITH. JOHNNY. AND. HIS. GUYLINER?!! Why are they making a joke out of him? They must be bloody mad." 

I have no idea who Johnny is. Someone on X Factor, maybe. 

30th September 2011 (age 13) "Your mum held you in her stomach for nine months, she watched her feet swell, she struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quick, she suffered many sleepless nights. She became your nurse, your chef, your teacher and your friend. She struggled for you, most of us take our mum for granted when there's people who have lost or never seen theirs. So copy this if you love your mum <3 xx" 

Oh no, this was the Elle who still believed in chain mail. 

Now, we can see that my typing is pretty terrible ("Y would u think I hate u?"), but that's not why I'm angry at this post. While I was still a naive first year who liked to sing and command attention all the time, people would take advantage. They used to ask this girl, Emer, for autographs (Emer had a "We <3 Emer" website about herself) and then they started doing it to me. I knew they were trying to make fun of me, but it's still hard to get out of the situation. They're like "sign my journal", and if you refuse you're rude. 

That time I was a One Direction fan, and used the ":L" face. 

In fairness, I didn't write this atrociously bad English, but ugh why did I do Schoolstars, why?

17th September 2011 - "Went to town :L Saw Niamh McNally, Katie O' Keeffe and Mrs. Kerrisk with her son :L :)"

I'm using :L as a full stop here. Also, my life was clearly very interesting at the time. 

16th September 2011 - "Bored :Z"

Yes. Truly modern art. So succint.

14th September 2011 - "One Direction infection getting worse all the time!!! :D I love you NialyHarryLouisZaynLiam but esp ZaynHarryNiall! <3"

I'm so embarrassed. Also, my apologies to Louis and Liam.

10th September 2011 - "Red r black - One direction :D <3 ... I think I'm converting to the 1D religion after seeing that video!"

I'm genuinely concerned about how many of these posts were about One Direction. 

4th September 2011 - Have to redo a load of maths hw b/c my little brother Jude scribbled all over it in pink hilighter ( how do ya spell that?) ... :/

It's highlighter. Idiot. 

3rd September 2011 - "Wat time is x factor on at tonite anyone? Xxx"

Please stop embarrassing yourself. 

Thanks for the ":/ :L", Aoibhán, you're too kind. 

24th August 2011 - "Child said to his mom, "Mommy, I colored your sheets with lipstick!" In anger she started to hit her child until he was unconscious. Then,she regretted what she had done,and crying said to her child, "Please open your eyes!" But it was too late, his tiny heart had stoppedbeating. When she walked into her bedroom,the sheet said "I LOVE YOU MOMMY." Copy and paste this if you're against child abuse </3"


16th August 2011 - "Never late 4 school, never bein sent outa class, never in detention, never ditched school, alwayd done my homework, always studied hard, never back chatted to a teacher, ... Put this as your status and hu eva likes it thinks your lien :)"

Okay, not only is the language in this post horrific, I liked my own status. 

Next I copypasted a lot of "I support cancer survivors", "stillborn babies go to heaven" and "Autism awareness week" posts but you know the drill with those.

6th August 2011 (age 12) - "I'm reading :L xxxxxxxxxxxxx"

This was posted above yet another Wattpad share. I'm obviously very affectionate while I read.

This whole post is such a trainwreck. In my defence, I honestly thought I got a C. I actually got an A1 (97%). Oops. I remember that was the year where I was upset because two of my grades were A2s rather than A1s. Ah, first year. 

20th June 2011 (age 12) - "ImPerfectShine is after posting five bitchy comments on sum of my oldest Youtube videos nd I'm just like WTF be like that :s :L"

Yes, those Youtube videos (me doing covers) were awful, but people's comments were incredibly mean and led me to set them all to Private or delete them. I'm pretty sure one of the perpetrators was this girl in my class who I won't name and her brother. God, I hated them. 

18th June 2011 - "Can't find my fones battery! :(:(:(:(:( where the hell is it?????:("

No matter how many sad faces or question marks you use, Elle, Facebook can't help you there. 

"I gotta admit...even if she won't ,Tony Faulkner is still a very persistent person wooo fighting for the rights of non chickenneds!:L"

If it weren't for the :L, I'd think this was a spambot. So many questions. Who is Tony Faulkner? What are non-chickenneds, and why are their rights threatened?

27th June 2011 - "got icecrreamm cos did well in all o dem yayay ;L xX ;L"

Twelve-year-old Elle is presumably happy about doing well in all of her end-of-year 1st Year exams. Even though she got an A in English, she persists in writing these awful, awful posts. And ;L, really? 

22nd June 2011 - "a buk i wuz readin i was sitin bside chloe carpenter ona bus nd she saw the name of one o the characters kiiiinda typical :L am i ever goin to escape the hole book thing :L"

This is a comment I wrote on one of my posts. It's interesting because it proves that I was actually a huge bookworm at the time (see spelling of "character", me asking will I ever escape the whole book thing), but I suppressed it to seem cool on Facebook. Don't do that, kids. 

15th June 2011 - "At a sleepover at Ciara byrne's house nd she's having a total hissy fit about Bugs in the tent also moya is scared of the wires strangling her so I'm just like , callllmmm down, kk? :L Good fun otherwise though : L xx"

Yeah guys, callllmmm down. 

11th June 2011 - "its my lil bros bday 2day hes 7 :L"

Thanks, Elle, for that scintillating post. 

Look at the sham face. Aren't I just so cool?

7th June 2011 - "new viiiiideoo- cant see one of my eyes in the thumbnail:S :L blacked out :L" 

(comment) "didnt check my utube yesterday, day b4 i had 700 now i have a thousand nd sumthin :L:L:L:L:L:L"

New rule: anyone who writes ":L" isn't allowed post Youtube videos. 

I posted a new profile picture (standard, of my face), and someone commented ":L" (how I hate that emoticon) so I said:

"What's so funny?Huh!?"

My sister and I. Yep, that's really not how mascara/eyeliner is supposed to work. 

I commented this on one of my statuses about Tayto Park:

"Pretty gud...eagle sky adventure zone is de best but u hav 2 pay 4 a go cloe wil tel u tmoz x using al my credit 4 this"

You do in fact have to pay for a go. I was decent at writing at the time, but no, go ahead, use numbers. 


Yeah, don't do that. But the thrilling saga continues!

22nd March 2011 - "gtg byeeeeeeeeeee"

Contrary to your belief, younger Elle, no one cared. You don't have to inform your Facebook Friends when you log off.

20th March 2011 - "does anyone no how to get videos onto youtube?"

This one isn't particularly badly-written, I just want to mark the historic moment where I made that awful, awful choice. 

I am a bug. 

18th March 2011 - "saw never say never earlier it was gud"

A truly insightful review. 

8 March 2011 - "ayomide u luky bitch lol"

I didn't tag Ayomide, nor did I give any indication as to why she was lucky. Sigh. 

5th March 2011 - "I got my hair cut"

Fascinating. An icon of our times.

So this girl called Thea posted on my wall saying "welcome to Facebook". In response, I made an entirely separate post saying:

"hi thea tanx x its addictive !!!!!!!"

Not addictive enough for me to know how it works, apparently.

22nd February 2011 - "gtg goin to smyths byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Yet another example of me unnecessarily saying goodbye to Facebook. Earlier in the day I also posted "gtg" so I could go have dinner. 

At last: my very first Facebook post, my first profile picture, and it is ....


In conclusion: I was painfully awkward, friendless and a show-off. However, I think my early Facebook use wasn't actually that bad (others would be a lot worse; at least I don't have any pictures of drinking or whatever). And it was a necessary evil to make me the fabulously witty person I am today. 

(I'm kidding. Shut up.)

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