Monday, 16 February 2015

Restlessness

NB: It was Kay's birthday yesterday, so happy birthday, Kay. Here's my interview with him if you want to take a look.

So, it's my first proper day of midterm, and I'm getting that itch again. The craving to do something, to be someone already. I'm restless yet not out of bed. Today, I've done a Duolingo lesson, filled in a lot of a VISA application and written half of Thursday's blog post, but I haven't really achieved anything of significance and - worse - I don't know what I need to do to get there. 

It's a brief lull in the craziness that usually is my life, now that Young Scientist and Soroptimists are over, and it's around this time (although it usually occurs in June) that I get the urge to write another novel (or to edit my old one). But there's something holding me back, and it's not just laziness (trust me, I know what that feels like, and this isn't it). Part of me wants to read through the old novel, but I'm afraid to start because it feels like something insurmountable, part of my thing where if I start something I have to do it every day. Also, I think the novel starts well and then progressively gets worse so that's not something I really want to face.

I'm also thinking, like, why aren't I good at coding? I stopped after basic HTML & CSS, when I could be one of those coding superstars by now.

I want to take up so many things, but I know that soon life will get busy again and I'll be stressed out. But I'm stressed out even now, and unfulfilled. 

I guess it's a form of cabin fever; I'm stuck here with my thoughts echoing against my head and while I don't mind that, I'm comfortable with it, it does mean I'm the final arbiter of my decisions. And that's really not a good thing, as I am so prone to second-guessing myself.

I was going to make a post about my subject choices, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow. I need to get my thoughts out. And yeah, I know this is all stupid moaning, #firstworldproblems (there I am second-guessing myself again; being so self-aware is a pain, because I'm constantly commenting on my thoughts and it makes for disjointed writing). 

I may have said this on the blog before, actually, but do you ever do that thing in your head where you're layering thoughts on top of each other and trying to hold them all in your head, to really understand them? Like, you could say "I knew that she knew that I knew that she knew that...." etc., and in my head they look like clouds climbing. But there's only so far I can actually comprehend what those words mean, and after that point the clouds keep building but I can only look up at them as abstract things, I can't tether them down to earth where I can control them. 

This might be TMI, I don't know, but it's my blog so there. I like that concept; of having your own little space on the internet, one that's your property, where you can express your opinion and no one can tell you not to. Although that's not true, is it? We're all at the mercy of the great Google, of our internet providers, of spammers and even of legitimate commenters. But it's freeing nonetheless. 

I wouldn't feel comfortable putting this stuff on Facebook, yet I'm fine with it here on a totally public platform. I guess there's a different environment on Facebook; it's a lot more connected, whereas this is just about me and my life. I'd be annoying people on Facebook, and there you just want to display the perfect version of your life; occasions, triumphs, friendships, relationships.

I post a lot of positive things here but it's not manufactured. I do omit a lot from this blog, but none of what I post is fake or exaggerated, at least not any more than it is in my own head. I use this as a way to empty my head of swirling thoughts. I used to write a diary, but after a while I always gave those up because I felt like there was no point. I like to think that someone out there is reading and can understand me from what I write here. 

Which reminds me of a book I flipped through in Waterstones on Saturday: Girl Online by Zoella. That book irritates me because of the ghostwriting and the low quality of writing (or at least, writing that doesn't fit my tastes - it's aimed at 13 year olds, probably), but it did have a good point that was pretty much exactly what I just said, about blogging rather than diary writing because it means someone is listening. When I write in a diary, it's effectively still stuck in my head because a problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

I'll be honest; after those big view spikes in late January, I thought it had all died down. I continued to post because I enjoy it,  but I just checked last night and saw that there were 79 views that day. It's kind of amazing, that people are still coming here. So thanks, I guess. 

I'm feeling a lot calmer now, but I still don't know what I want to/should do today. This blog post really has been very stream-of-consciousness. There was something I wanted to say there that I've now forgotten. I'll make a list and get a bit more active, I think. My clarity of mind is AWOL, and I just need to find it.

Anyway, another reason this is freeing: with all the exciting things meant to happen soon, this shows the real me, not some corporate version. 

Until tomorrow.

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