Tuesday, 2 June 2015

How to Pull Weeds

Forget everything you know about pulling weeds. This is a detailed guide to showing those impostors who's boss

1. Dress to Distress

The way you dress is everything if you want to intimidate weeds (and trust me, you do). I'd suggest full military uniform if you have one handy, but any uniform will do (nurse, school, policeman) - weeds fear authority, much like devout Catholics*, so wearing a uniform will let them know you mean business. Another benefit of the uniform is that it will scare the anarchist weeds, which make up an astonishing 73.2% of the weed population in the average Irish garden. Your uniform will remind them of conformism, which will either (a) make them contemptuous and complacent (b) make them hate you. In both scenarios, the weeds are easier to kill. 

For ideal complacency, you want to catch them off-guard. This combination of authority and camouflage is perfect:

Pictured: a well-prepared weed-killing team.

2. Equipment

The point of this little weed-killing escapade is not really to kill weeds. The point is to scare the little buggers, to have them tell all their weed friends to stay away from your pristine garden or else

So your uniform is just one part of the equation. You need some weapons too - or, as the more boring gardening publications put it, "tools". (Let's face it, though - they're weapons against the invading chlorophyll-suckers.)

You have your staples: clippers, gloves, flamethrower. But remember, these weeds have evolved to be tough, so it might not be as easy as that. It's a little-known fact that over a third of the American Defense budget is devoted to destroying weeds, which despite being hated slightly less than North Korea and having no oil to pillage, are enough of a nuisance to merit the investment. This has produced pesticides, weed-repelling nail varnishes and high-end machines that will selectively destroy all weeds in a ten-mile radius (which can lead to legal issues). At the top end, of course, there are always nukes, but the authorities don't always look kindly on those.

Unfortunately, many of these advanced weed-killing technologies can set you back several billion tokens of monetary exchange, so it looks like you're stuck with your hands, clippers and small army of siblings today.

3. Formalities

Now that you've gone to the bother of painting yourself as an authority, you might as well keep it up. Demand the weeds' passports or other form of photo ID proving their right to citizenship in your garden. Of course, they are weeds. Weeds (or most other plants, with the exception of certain kinds of sunflower) do not have passports.

You know this. You were never planning to let them stay anyway, you just hoped you'd have an excuse not to do the weeding. But you've already species-ally profiled them, so it's too late now. No ID is going to keep them on your land.

100% authentic plant passport.
4. Confront the weeds

As TED speakers love to tell us, it has been proven that doing a power pose increases your confidence at work. I believe that doing a power pose before beginning to pull weeds will serve the double purpose of making you look like a total idiot to the neighbours and showing that you can dominate these weeds. 

While some advocate a sneak attack on the weeds, I recommend you tell them exactly what you're going to do to them in graphic detail. This won't disrupt their complacency because plants can't understand English.

5. Start pulling

Once you've told the general area what you're going to do to the weeds (which are still blissfully unaware, lacking sentience and all), bend down, reach one hand out and yank at the nearest clump of unwanted grass. 

6. Victory!

The grass comes out easily. You wonder why you ever needed all this equipment. Then, with dawning horror, you realise that you didn't pull it out by the roots, and now the weed is just going to grow back, more malevolent than ever. 

7. Pull again

Go closer to the root this time, and feel how gross and wet it actually is down there. Feel a sense of unbridled triumph when the root finally comes up, big clump of soil in tow. Despair as you realise that you spent several minutes of your precious time on that one weed. How are there so many of them?! Realize you're going to have to take more drastic action.

8. Buy expensive pesticide

It's easy to rationalize. You live in a developed nation, why shouldn't you buy some pesticide. A sneaky voice in the back of your head that you've dubbed the Weed Voice keeps telling you that you're letting a plant defeat you. The rest of your brain hushes it, saying that you weren't defeated by a plant, there were actually lots of them. Twelve, at least.

9. Trip getting out of the car and spill the goddamn pesticide on your boss' shoe

Your mouth sets into a thin line, and now you're convinced. That weed is out to get you. Just as you think it can't get worse, you remember that flamethrowers are actually illegal where you live. Gripped by rage, you're almost eager to get back to the patch of weeds. You will destroy them with all this potential energy you've gained from the excessive italics in this guide. 

10. Lose all will to move when you reach the patch

Turns out laziness trumps anger. Sit immobile centimetres away from the weed, staring at it. Imagine it staring back. Oh God, you're starting to go insane. Starting?

11. Seek help

Ignore the shame you feel at being bested by plants and call your long-suffering significant other. Tell them you will get rid of these f!ckers if it kills you. Ignore their look of concern and get several weeds pulled. You're making progress. Until...

12. Get soaked by sudden torrential rain

Remind yourself to thank your significant other later as they hand you a coat. At the moment, you're too busy seething with rage. This is all the weed's fault. You know it. 


13. Beg

The weeds have won, you admit it. Supplicate yourself before them. Please, weeds. Just pull yourself out of the ground. You don't want to live here anyway. 

14. Get creative

Think back to your Junior Cert Biology class. Sure, those weeds may be tough, but they aren't particularly mobile. Got you now! With renewed energy, you quickly fill several boxes full of pebbles, put down a tarp and cover the weeds. If you can't see them, they aren't there (right?)

Now they're gone, and you've won. Sure, they'll peek back up eventually, but by then (you tell yourself) you'll have saved enough to buy one of those military-grade weed bombs.

No comments:

Post a Comment